You don’t have to read the entire thing if it’s too long for you. I’m 14 and enjoy writing quite a bit. Thanks!
The wind blew strongly, sending loose dry leaves flying in the air and falling in elegant spirals on the ground. Ladies walked with their painted dresses and expensive coats, heels clicking on the stone, rushing to get home to their husbands before the storm started, whilst the sky turned a dark grey and the clouds covered it like blankets. Yes, autumn had come in Ohio, and it was the perfect atmosphere for a funeral…
Daniel stood by his father’s coffin, staring at it with a blank expression on his face. Everyone around him was crying, so shouldn’t he? But he couldn’t-he felt numb inside. Not sad or happy, just nothing. Was it because a part of him still believed that his father was alive- unable to except the fact that he had been killed under no circumstances- even at his funeral? Or perhaps his pride, not allowing him to break down in front of all these people? Whatever it was, he couldn’t do a thing about it. His hands were wrapped tightly around his sister, who was letting out a river of tears on his coat. He wanted to cry too- to scream at the top of his lungs- but he couldn’t.
"… May he rest in peace" the priest finished, closing the bible set in front of him and walking off the podium.
His sister finally looked up at him. Her eyes were puffy and red, lips frowning and cheeks flushed. "I… I think I need to go talk to mother." She said. Tears were still running down her face, but she wasn’t sobbing as loud. Daniel hugged her once more before she slowly walked away.
A few moments later, someone put his hand on his shoulder.
"I see you’re holding up well" James proclaimed. James had been Daniel dearest friend since they were young children. If anyone could get this pain off Daniel’s chest, it was him. "I’m sorry"
A short silence followed, but Daniel broke it:
"He once told me ‘It’s not important how long you live your life, it’s how you live it’. He really lived up to that, I believe."
James nodded "Truly a great man"
"How has your father taken the news, given how close they were?" Daniel asked
"I send a message to him the second I got the news. He’s in France now, so it will take more than a while for him to get it." James said, shrugging his shoulders "I expect he will be devastated."
Quickly after everyone at the funeral said their goodbyes, Daniel helped his (still) sobbing sister and mother into the carriage. He was now the head of the household now, which meant that he now needed to protect his mother and sister. Daniel took their hands and let out a melancholy smile. They let out their emotions by crying, but he had found another way to release his anger and sadness- he tracked down every man responsible for this and put an end to his life- but it didn’t help much. Knowing that they had paid did help slightly, but it didn’t bring his father back. It didn’t fill the empty hole inside him and it didn’t make him sleep better at night.
The rest of the ride continued in silence.
@Danny What do you mean?
Oh, and I would really appreciate some constructive criticism! Thank you once again!
@agilebrit In the sentince "Was it because a part of him still believed that his father was alive- unable to except the fact that he had been killed under no circumstances- even at his funeral?" I wanted to say that Daniel felt like he couldn’t except his father death, even at his funeral. Sorry if I mislead!
I know a lot of info is missing, but that’s because this is only a part of the story. I wrote more, but I didn’t want to burden people with three chapters
Wow, this is really good! The only things wrong with it that I could spot were some punctuation mistakes in the dialogue and a typo or two here they are, if you want to correct them:
"He was now the head of the household now" two nows.
"I send a message to him the second I got the news." I think in the context of the sentence that should be sent.
They were the only typos I could spot, and other than that there were only some puncutation mistakes in the dialogue, for example here:
James nodded "Truly a great man"
should probably be something like;
James nodded, "Truly a great man."
Punctuating dialogue can be really confusing, and I only recently learned, so I’ll put a link to the guide I read which helped me a lot in the source ^^!
Hope I helped, and good luck writing; if this is your skill level at your age, if you keep writing you’ll turn out to be quite the amazing writer, not that your writing isn’t good now.